I regret that since becoming a mother and a full-time college student, I have had to put making music on the back burner. I take that back. After a few years of mommy experience, I now realize I had to relearn how to make music. It has still been a priority, but no longer and I able to crank up the amps, have some people over, and drink my way through raucous practices. It is not my luxury to pick up a noise maker at any hour of the day and start writing or to stay up all night finishing what I started. I cannot flitter off to sleep in my van for my $5 pittance anytime the urge to be in front of a crowd strikes me.
My lifestyle has been so vastly altered, I look at the lovely late night pictures of myself and I have to remind myself that I am, indeed, still that girl. I have gone through great periods of frustration trying to figure out how to balance everything. During one of those periods, I quit playing completely. I’ve watched friends disappear and wondered if I had slipped into the air before their eyes, too.
I knew that I would not ever completely stop making music, but I also knew that once I did start making music again it would be very different than the previous version of me. I had, inevitably, changed. I had been calmed and bettered through motherhood. I had been humbled and engrossed by mountains; not neon colored nightlife. I wondered how these changes would influence my new work.
As the little love of my life gets older, it seems to be getting easier to play again. Though, I do still have to be very quiet and I have to practice a little something I like to call guerrilla recording. One little piece of the waveform puzzle one little piece at a time when, and if, I can sneak away and press the button.
A few nights ago, I seized the moment when I noticed the husband and the boy asleep on the couch. I headed upstairs and I simply played what came to mind. I spent a few more hours working on a few songs in progress and then I came back to this little sketch. Usually, I delete things like this but, this one really struck me. Not because it is a work of genius, it’s just an improv., but because I could hear the new influences screaming at me.
These mountains and the fight taking place over them has seeped into me. It is heartbreaking to watch people screaming at one another. Both sides afraid they will lose everything. My side loses clean air and decent drinking water. The other side loses, or thinks they are losing, their livelihoods. I wake up with it on my mind every day. Yet, somehow I didn’t expect it to seep into my music.